Week 16-2022- Word and Message of The Week

Ephesians 4:31-32 NLT

“Get rid of all bitterness, passion, and anger. No more shouting or insults, no more hateful feelings of any sort. Instead, be kind and tender-hearted to one another, and forgive one another, as God has forgiven you through Christ.”

My good friend of many years lost her father who was in his late eighties a few weeks ago. I went to her house to commiserate with her.

She told me how 2 days before her dad passed, they had a video call with him from the UK and the father who was in Nigeria was blessing and appreciating my friend’s husband for taking care of his daughter.

It then occurred to me that can someone thank you for taking care of their daughter?

Can someone thank you for taking care of their son?

Would you like your son’s wife to treat your son the way you are treating your husband?

Would you like your daughter’s husband to treat your daughter the way you are treating your wife?

We heard the very sad story of the beautiful, talented and anointed gospel singer who died less than a week ago allegedly due to the domestic violence episodes she routinely suffered from her husband. 

One of my close relatives was being physically abused by her husband. This was 22 years ago. We had a family meeting and everyone was giving their opinion. When my dad was consulted, he advised that she left so she could be alive. Today that close relative of mine is still alive. I seriously doubt if that would have been the case if she hadn’t left the abusive husband. 

In the video I did 2 weeks ago, Choices 3, I said the only condition I would advise people to leave their marriages was physical abuse because physical abuse is a threat to life.

Too much abuse goes on in the family. It ought not to be. Domestic abuse can go both ways a man abusing a woman and a woman abusing a man. 

But the cases of men abusing women are much more overwhelming 

It beggars belief what people do to their spouses, even in the Christian community! I’m not a traitor telling bad things about my Christian community. No. But I want all of us in the Christian community including myself to sit up and change our ways. 

We all need to give a good account of the Christ we are serving. 

You may be saying, ‘well, I don’t beat my wife or my husband’. 

That could be true.

But what about other devastating forms of abuse that you put your spouse through: there’s verbal abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, financial abuse, shouting down your spouse at the smallest thing etc. 

I was with 2 women a few years ago. They said our husbands are comfortable and take care of the family but they shout on us at the smallest thing. So, we have resolved to tolerate the situation: after all it’s only shouting. But I could see those women were hurt. 

Koko Uzoma’s sister that the husband threatened to finish off 

The woman that brought her husband from Africa and the man had never worked for a day. She paid for his university education. She will help him do his assignments so he could at least graduate. Nothing came out of it. He eventually dropped out of university. 

Our good friends used to attend a popular gospel church in a part of Nigeria. The pastor was a liar and a wife beater. His wife will come to church with her face in different shades of colour from being brutalised. 

Then, when the pastor was preaching and saying stuff, right there on the altar his wife will be contradicting him and telling the church members loudly that her husband was lying about what he was saying. She probably went home to get more beatings. 

Can I say where you see one form of abuse, you will see the other. An abuser will not abuse you in only one area. An abuser is a bully. A bully has the ‘winner takes it all’ mentality. A bully is relentless. Goliath was a bully. He was relentless for 40 days until David stopped him. 

Some people may be (I say this cautiously) able to deal with psychological or verbal abuse. You may say if he says one word, I will say ten words to deliver myself. 

But physical abuse is a different ball game. Unless you are a woman that is skilled in judo, karate and other self defence skills, you may not be able to cope. Therefore I will always advise like my dad did 22 years ago: Run for your life. The Bible says a living dog is better than a dead lion. If you don’t quickly leave an abuser, it becomes harder to leave. This relative of mine was married to the abuser for 3 years and had a child.

When you spot the abuser and keep hoping he will change and then you go on to have 6 children, it becomes much much harder to leave.

Any form of abuse is damaging and devastating. Emotional, mental, psychological abuse will kill slowly; they will kill your self esteem, confidence, dreams etc. 

But physical abuse will kill faster. You never can tell when your abuser will snuff life out of you. 

And it won’t end with you. If he abuses you, he will also abuse and traumatise your children 

Oh there’s one I left till the last: what about sexual abuse? My husband and I were talking with a couple some years ago and the woman accused her husband of matrimonial rape. But some men say nonsense how can I rape my own wife. They even say it proudly as if the woman is a chattel, a possession, a property that they own. But you can sexually assault your wife if she didn’t give her consent to what you did. 

I heard recently of a couple living the together in the same house and husband had only managed to sleep with his wife 3 times in 3 years. This man is a good provider, I’m not saying he doesn’t have his faults, everyone does. But for a wife to treat her husband like this is appalling. 

Why this cruelty?

Why should the home become a place of torment?

I said it in a broadcast I did last year, that you cannot be spared physical pain if you torment others emotionally, physically, financially, psychologically etc

You cannot be spared pain if you torment others in any shape or form. 

Stop it!!! God is watching you. 

He says we should be kind and tender hearted to one another. Will you shout on me if your heart is tender towards me? 

Apart from spouses, there are parents that abuse their children.

I heard of an overweight young girl that her father would constantly berate and lambast for her weight.

This young girl was in so much emotional pain that she started to self harm.

I’ve been told that people that self-harm are in deep emotional pain and the only way to get rid of that emotional pain is to start cutting themselves so that they feel physical pain.

People of God, please let’s say no to abuse 

The home should be a refuge, a place of safety, acceptance, comfort and peace.

Let individuals in the family stop tormenting one another.

Nothing good will come out of it.

If you are a victim of physical abuse, please leave. Don’t listen to that lie that you can’t leave. There’s something you have that God will use to help you. You will not suffer, you will not be destitute. 

This is why I never encourage any woman to marry without being financially empowered. You don’t have to be educated to be financially empowered. You can sell goods. You can do something. The woman in the market selling oranges is financially empowered. Many women have raised their children by selling pap. 

Anything can happen. But if you are not financially empowered you will be helpless. Don’t make yourself the victim of an insecure individual 

I am someone that detests all kinds of bullying. If someone comes to me and says they are having marital problems, the first thing I ask is ‘is he beating you?’ The conversation will only continue if the lady says he’s not beating me. 

This close relation of mine left her abusive husband and forged a good life for herself and she didn’t suffer. 

Say no to all forms of abuse. 

God did not create you for abuse. 

Please allow me to summarise this long video:

1. Physical abuse is no joke. It is a way for one’s life to be terminated very quickly 
2. Don’t die in silence. Talk to someone. If that person doesn’t help, look for another person till you get help and support 
3. Be financially empowered as a woman. That will give you options should you suffer abuse. Years ago, a young lady that wanted to get married came to me for advice. I asked what she was doing. She had finished university but had no job. I advised her back then and this was over 20 years ago to look for even N5,000 to begin to trade. She obeyed. Years after, she had a child, she was pregnant with the second one when her husband woke her up one night and told her he was relocating abroad the following day! She had no idea what the man was planning! That’s how this man went abroad and she didn’t hear from him for years! Fortunately, by then her business had expanded and she was now doing quite well. So she was able to take care of her 2 children. 
4. The physical abuse is not your fault. The abuser makes you feel it’s your fault. This behaviour is call gaslighting. They say things like, ‘I would not have slapped you if not that you provoked me’. The question is will he slap his boss at work for shouting on him? No I don’t think so. 
5. Don’t trivialise any form of physical abuse. The person that slaps you can go to the kitchen, grab a knife and stab you 
6. You are very valuable. You are beautiful, you have self worth. Don’t allow anyone to mistreat you. If you are a Christian you are bought by the precious Blood of Jesus. Don’t allow anyone to mistreat you 
7. Stand up to the abuser and bully by leaving. You will find help. Everybody is not narrow minded. 
8. Don’t listen to his pleas. A dog will return to his vomit. I’ve watched films and I’ve read books about abuse. Abuse is a pattern. The abuser will not stop 
9. Don’t also listen to the opinions of silly people. You are the one suffering. Save yourself, save your children 

May God heal all our families in Jesus Name.